Perfectly Exhausted
Perfectly exhausted: Unpacking perfectionism through a trauma-informed and racialised lens”
In our last blog, we explored how professional perfectionism shows up and what drives it psychologically. This time, we’re going deeper into how perfectionism often takes root in traumatic childhoods and how it intersects with the lived experience of being a woman of colour. These forces don’t just shape behaviour, they shape beliefs about safety, worth, and survival.
Perfectionism & traumatic childhoods
When there’s early trauma, perfectionism can be more than a personality trait — it can become a shield. It helps some feel in control, earn approval, or avoid emotional harm.
What is the connection between trauma and perfectionism?
Conditional love: When love or validation was earned through achievement, perfection becomes the price of acceptance.
Hyper vigilance: In high-stress or unpredictable homes, perfectionism can be a strategy to avoid punishment or criticism.
Fear of failure: If mistakes triggered shame or danger, striving for flawlessness becomes self-protection.
Fawning and people-pleasing: For some, perfectionism emerges from the trauma response of appeasing others to stay safe.
Achievement-based self-worth: When praised only for doing, not being, success becomes the only path to feeling lovable.
What does healing look like?
Seeing perfectionism as adaptive, not shameful.
Replacing self-judgment with self-compassion.
Reclaiming mistakes as part of growth, not evidence of failure.
Soothing inner child wounds around worth and validation.
Perfectionism & Women of Colour
For many women of colour, perfectionism is also a survival mechanism, one shaped by racism, cultural expectation, and systemic inequity.
Key contributors include:
The ‘Twice as Good’ rule: Being taught you must over perform to gain the same respect others are handed freely.
Stereotypes & scrutiny: Combatting racialised tropes means many feel pressured to be ‘flawless’ to be taken seriously.
Respectability politics: Performing perfection in appearance, tone, and behaviour to stay safe in white-dominant spaces.
Cultural inheritance: High expectations passed down from generations who had to hustle for survival.
Imposter syndrome: Navigating spaces where you’re ‘the only one’ can intensify the drive to prove your worth.
Liberation from this lens involves:
Naming the systemic pressures — perfectionism isn’t just personal.
Practicing radical self-compassion as a resistance act.
Creating space for rest, joy, and softness.
Defining success on your own terms.
Finding community that validates and mirrors your experience.
Tired of your perfectionism masquerading as power?
Healing requires support.
Consider working with a trauma-informed coach or therapist who can gently challenge, affirm, and hold you accountable as you move from survival to sustainability — and from perfection to presence.
About the Author
Rabiya is a trauma-informed coach, mindfulness trainer, and critically reflective practitioner who supports individuals — especially women of colour — in unlearning perfectionism, reconnecting with self-compassion, and building sustainable, values-led lives. Her work is grounded in psychological insight, embodied awareness, and anti-oppressive practice.
Rabiya also offers referrals to trusted therapists for those seeking deeper healing alongside coaching support.